March 9, 2017 by sercanakhanli
I was born. Who am I talking to? Who is putting me on? Who are these people? Hearing. I am aware of the sounds. I must be sweating. I am still sleeping. The first day of the school. Will my mother wake me up every morning? Boring. I have to go get bread. Who gave this decision? What is the hand holding the nylon bag? Am I me? Mirror. If you are you, who am I? My father brings the chess board. Think. Is he losing on purpose? I guess I should take a shower, it is Sunday. The teacher told us. Why did you break your friend’s heart? Think. I thought. I am 10 years old. I broke my close friend’s heart. I must apologize. Mirror. I am tired of my own nausea. How do other people see me? What am I? People are very repulsive. Television. There is a war again. Who did die? I am 15 years old. My close friend died. Where am I? Preparation for exams. Chess with my dad. I am about to fall asleep. I heard the sound of chess pieces:
Queen: You made the wrong choice! Bishop sees me, how can you not see?
Bishop: Take me to the E-2, and it is the right move!
Knight: Give up bishop! You did false move!
My father: Checkmate.
I lost. Chess and life. 32 chess pieces are not different from each one. They are the same. Their features are different. Choices. Chess pieces are the slaves. What is this idea that governs us? Forget it. Just ask to a chess piece. What do they want to do? They are born and die. I set up. A single setting. Rooks, knights, bishops, queen and the king. Others are the pawns. I fall asleep. Mom. Last days of the school. Darling. Joy. Separation. Blues. Failure. Darling. Happiness. The one. She was not the one. I saw a dream. A 4-year-old girl. My dreams always happen to someone else’s eyes. For the first time, I am me. In the head of my bed. A white dress. Her mouth and her nose. It is becoming crooked. It is replacing. I woke up. Dizziness. I recoiled. I did not sleep. I turned on the light. I slept. I awaken me. I did not wake up me when I was me.
Chess with my friend. It is the same situation. I should not direct. the chess pieces must direct themselves. Where would I go if I were a bishop, or a knight, or a pawn. What about a rook, where would I go if I were a rook? Just come on. I waited too much. I closed my eyes. Am I white, or black? Or does it matter?
Bishop: F-3 is the right move!
I heard this time. What did it say? F-3?
I cannot be you and you. I won the game. Empathy? I do not think so. What is it like to be a chess piece? Hard problem. Millions of possibilities. Choice. I did not get into university. On purpose? I worked. I did not get into. Stupidity? I do not think so. Escape from death? A dead body is easy the problem. Who is consciousness? Does someone introduce us? When? Is someone trying to extend my life? Hard problem. Sleep. Mom. Course. Major changing. I do not want. You have to do. No! Mom. Course. The result of an exam. I succeed. Did I hear the voice of questions? No. Why did everybody try to take responsibility for me? Am I the queen? Properties of the queen are different. I am young. Am I handsome? Not bad. I cannot fly.
Why do you try to manage me? I am an anarchist. Did not you understand? Are we playing chess? No. I do not play. The chess pieces play. Competition. In Ankara. I am the champion. My parents are proud of myself. I do not care. I am immortal. Not yet. Competition. In the World. I am the champion. I am alone. Other people. You are so funny. You are the genius. I am not. I am nothing. I am selfish. That’s right. You will die. I know. Masks are falling. Do these masks belong to me? My masks? No. Masks of other people. A close friend. Mask. Darling. Mask. Your teacher. Mask. When you are alone, mask? The mask of a mask. Rejection of humankind. I am in the mirror. It has been 30 minutes. I do not recognize. My eyes. Do they belong to me? My eyebrows are moving automatically. It is a naked moment. Moment of nakedness. Naked-in-the-world. No mask. I am alone. I slept. I drink a bottle of red wine. I see all from their reflection. I do not recognize. I am alone. Am I dead? I look at my body last time from on high. Another creature. Not human. It is a black angle. Dizziness and trembling.
Author info: E. Sercan Akhanli, MA Cand., Experimental Social Psychology Program (Baskent Un., Ankara) | email: sercan_akhanli [AT] hotmail[.]com